I Am My Own Stumbling Block to Endless Friendship
“Walk with your heart, not with your feet.”
On the last week’s podcast, Kari and I had a wonderful opportunity to chat with Jon Huckins of the Global Immersion Project. If you haven’t had a chance to listen to Jon’s stories and wisdom, treat yourself and go back and listen here.
Jon shared about his work in global peacemaking. He works across our conflicted world to give people the tools to move toward others, even especially those who are often mispositioned as a combatant, not a friend. The Global Immersion Project trains people by taking them to the other side of the world into places of conflict OR by focusing on the everyday life we experience all around our homes.
In response to Jon’s exhortations to everyday peacemaking, I wanted to write a few principles of active dialoguing that fosters peace (shalom) with the “other.” Some of these come from our conversation with Jon others come from my own years of pondering these things.
Listen longer than feels comfortable. This one came directly from Jon. What a great way to say it. I have long exhorted my students to “listen more than you speak,” but I like Jon’s words even better. It is that pushing through the discomfort that not only communicates a true desire to understand but actual deference.
Here’s another quick tip. Studies show that someone needs to revisit their thoughts four times before they share their true feelings on the subject. I find that a simple “go on” or “say more” or even just a smile or nod, helps the other person reenter their thoughts and move into their embodied feelings.
Seek to understand, rather than be understood. This also came from Jon (did I mention that the podcast was incredibly helpful?) Humans are incredibly intuitive animals. Humans know whether the context is combat or communion. Am I just waiting for the other person to pause so I can speak? Is my brain focusing on my rebuttal instead of seeking to learn from the other? I find that I need to check in with my inner-dialogue from time to time to make sure that my heart is for the other, as opposed to being only for myself.
Foster defenselessness. The keyword here is anxiety. How do I keep from propagating anxiety in the conversation? Jon talked about the “fight or flight” instinct in humans, especially if they interpret the context as conflict. Believe it or not, we confer anxiousness upon one another. Humans naturally reflect or share their emotional state. If one person is upset, angry, contentious, combative, or critical the other person will slowly drift into similar feelings. However, it works both ways. If one person fosters peace, non-defensiveness, generosity of spirit, delight, and friendship, the other will be compelled to settle into a similar posture.
Assume every person is your friend. Maybe two years ago, I met Johnny. He was obnoxious. My work required that I encounter him multiple times a week. Johnny comes from the other end of the political spectrum from me and politics seemed like the only thing he wanted to talk to me about. Suffice it to say, I didn’t treat Johnny kindly. My mind works faster than Johnny’s and so on each of these encounters, I would petulantly put him in his place and then walk away.
One day, I was talking to a brand new acquaintance from Texas, who was only in town for a week. He and I were sharing about our work (exchanging resumes as arrogant humans are prone to do) and Johnny was listening nearby. Without warning, Johnny jumped up and said to me, “Are you the guy who wrote that book with the yellow binding?” Startled, I said, “Maybe. I have a book called Neighbors and Wise Men. Is that what you mean?” Johnny responded by hugging me (and he is a rather large and strong fellow) and saying “Thank you, that book really healed me.” Even though I had been an a-hole to him for so long, we have been friends ever since.
Well, I hope I didn’t bore you. These issues are really important to me. That’s why I have spent most of my life studying them. They are important to me because I am a naturally competitive person. I am also an 8 on the enneagram. I like to battle. Left to myself, I am an asshole. But, you know what? I also really love humans. I find them fascinating. Every person is a walking-talking blockbuster Hollywood movie. Each is literally a library of stories with feet. And the only thing that keeps me from experiencing those libraries is well… me. I am my own stumbling block to endless friendship.
